i'm tired.

from not sleeping. from suspicion. stupidity. and worry.
I'm tired, of the repeating cycles. I expect the worst to happen so it eventually does. i'm tired of being passed around like some awkward plague. i'm tired of relationships going sour because i can't fix other people.

i dont fit in with the party scene because too often it hurts me. i don't fit in with my friends when they party because i have to guard myself from letting them hurt me the way that my dad does. the cycle of unfulfilled promises, excuses, and lack of care or notice.

i'm left upset, hurt, sleepless, fucking crazy and alone in my room. night after night. not sleeping but just dreaming these awful, awful things. it's becoming difficult to separate from reality.

i can't stop listening to michael jackson. Ever since I saw "This Is It" a week ago, i will literally not even listen to anything else.
it's great.
:)
ps. everyone needs to see that movie. It was so beautiful. It's great to realize that our beloved MJ wasn't just a singer/dancer, he was also a designer, director, and amazing artist in all respects. It was inspiring to see such a professional process of art-making.

california is like being high all the time.

i could just walk. breathe. sit.

i stared directly at the sun for an entire day. i miss the sun up here.
finally arrived back in my dark cave at around midnight tonight after 14 hours of driving. sad to leave the golden beauty to trade for the dragging gloom.

the waves, the sun, gentle sounds of the city, the calm blue sky, california

it's ok because we continue
we survive

and survival isn't just living but thriving. under evolutionary terms, it's being the best given your current "circumstances"/condition.

we don't know how yet
but before we perish, something in our evolving intellect can lead us out of the cave.

if we were all a smarter version of our own philosopher king, we'd have all this stuff figured out. we would have already been brainwashed as to all the answers to our existential crises that stab us in the back night after night.

what happens when they/we start having foresight?

what happens when the world evolves for us?
life gets easier. the painful explosions of dark thinking are blotted out, and no longer cause room for hours on end spent trying to figure out what we are to do. no longer any room for scars.
learning.
meanwhile we all clutch and gurgle and scream to be pulled out of the thought storms. an endless circle of doubt acting as feedback inhibition to our own personal evolution.
we are lost.
amidst the mess of the surroundings.
that are ever flux.
as we stick. stale and stagnant.
clutching to what we do best:
creating crises.
so that we have proof and reason to survive.

it might be very hard to sustain a good relationship in college.

but not impossible, i'm not done. not even close.